What's Been "H"appening 09/28/03
by Bruce Hirsch, AGWA-Illinois Chapter H

    Well that was one wicked Sunday morning to go out riding...the sun gave little light and no comfort, and the temperatures huddled in the basic 40's with a snarl of crosswinds, and the heartfelt promise of cold and heavy rain before sundown...you had to be crazy to crawl out of your nice warm bed to go riding motorcycles, and Chapter H was well represented, as usual, by the lunatic fringe. 6 escaped mental patients gathered at Mickey D's, Righteous Big Bruce Hirsch; Slim Larry Greco; Dapper Damien Shelton; Gentleman George Riebesehl; and bringin up the rear, Rippin' Russ Pritchard and Gentleman Joe Hughes, riding as dual tailgunners in a early-pre-production GM Hummer 4+ (also known as the "HIV Positive") outfitted with the "Urban Gorilla" option package including flame throwers, mobile missile launchers, and small-scale tactical nuclear battlefield weapons.  Larry swung into the lead and we fired up our snorting ponies (Wa-HOOO!)and headed out with a song in our hearts, lumps in our throats, and tears in our eyes from the wind-chill factor...we started knifing slightly south westerly, 6  elderly boys on the loose, so local villages were well-warned to lock up all their sheep, and loose women!  We paused momentarily at Fermilab in an unannounced snap evaluation of  their security arrangments, and we can say for a fact that Fermilab is safe from all foreign terrorists, just as long as the foreign terrorists remember to come disguised as bikers in small groups during daylight hours using main roads, and yielding to the directions of polite unarmed rent-a-a-cops...Larry led our happy band through parts of the Midwest that weren't even awake yet, and we stealthily slipped past all the laws, radars, and SOSAS warning nets, and he brought our group safely to harbor near the Fox River side at the legendary VFW Hall in Upper Batavia, where the food was plentiful and cheap, the women buxom and friendly, and the conversation stimulating...Joe Hughes regaled us all with tales of how he had recently taken to using the 'loaner' Hummer as a kind of high tech golf cart, and the previous weekend he had fallen in with a mixed threesome and addled them so thoroughly on the links, that by the end of 18 holes he not only had all their money, but they had also paid for his golf game AND supplied him with pitchers of beer...but I doubt if it was the golf, I think it was just because they didn't want to head out to the country club parking lot and find nothing but smoking craters where their cars used to be...After breakfast we all headed out on our separate ways with the inspirational words of the ancient biker still ringing in our ears:
"As You Ride Through Life--Stay Vertical For As Long As You Can!"